My parents were kind, intelligent, and very strict about the rules of life as I was growing up. I couldn’t stay up late, watch violent cartoons (no G.I. Joe unless I was at grandma’s house, where I got all the violence and sugar my little heart could endure!), or play with beebee guns. It was a hollow existence. There were two instances, however, when I got to break the great and terrible rule of bedtime: any NBA finals games involving the Lakers, and the very first television viewing of Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. I remember being only 3 or 4 years old, and my father shielding me from the heinous bedtime laws to allow me to watch Magic and Bird battle it out in the mid-1980’s. It was beautiful, and although I remember very few specific instances, I do remember sitting next to my father in the dark, watching the flickering lights and yelling every time Larry Bird did some injustice to our heroic Lakers. Later that decade, as I entered elementary school, another brief occurrence of rebellion happened: when I successfully petitioned my mother into allowing me to stay up for most of Return of the Jedi. I say “most” because my mother sided with the evil emperor and forced 6 year-old Phil to move kicking and screaming away from the ultimate Ewok triumph forty-five minutes before the end of the movie. I was not good at addition and subtraction, and apparently had asked and was granted a later bedtime that was not “later” enough to allow me to actually finish the movie. As Admiral Ackbar would say, “It’s a trap!” As I was being shooed into bed, I couldn’t help but argue that I got to stay up for the NBA finals. The difference in my mother’s mind was that I was required by law to go to school now. The difference in my mind was that Star Wars must not be as cool as Lakers basketball. I’ve been trying to reconcile the concept ever since.
Mother: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
I’m a man trapped between two worlds, and I thought that I might attempt a quick escape by writing an article for a blog that I fully expect to fail about two sentences ago. Since you’re still reading this, you are either a fool or genuinely interested. I’ll let you guess which one I suspect. At any rate, the parallels between being the cool sports guy and the not very cool nerd guy have eerily similar trajectories, and it is time that we finally admit that, as far as “coolness” goes, nerds might have finally pulled ahead. It is a ridiculous theory, I know, but allow me to substantiate with clear “evidence” that will not prove anything but make me feel better about my life.
Moving forward in the history of my insignificant life, I can point to the parallels between the greatest sports disappointment in my life and the greatest nerd disappointment. Fast-forward about a decade, and finally my pick-and-rolling Utah Jazz have achieved a trip to the NBA finals (yes, somehow I switched from “Showtime” fast-break basketball to the most repetitive, efficient offense in history… go figure). Note that they had made the playoffs for about 14 years in a row, and therefore failed to win anything of relevance for all 14 of those years, which represents most of my life. The Jazz finally making the finals was a crowning achievement for a long beleaguered fan.
Unfortunately, Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bull crapateers were their opponents.
The Jazz, as would be a soon-startling trend in both of my “world”, promptly lost in six games. Stockton and Malone were in their 30’s, and I thought the odds of them making another run weren’t great.But the next year, somehow they ran through the Western Conference playoffs with relative ease, and I started to believe.
Unfortunately, Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bull crapateers were again their opponents.
(For the record, I know the Buffalo Bills football team had it rough. They lost four straight, and I weep for all Bills fans out there. But when are we going to put the Utah Jazz up there with them? Three conference finals in a row, two finals, and they had to run up against the “team of destiny” with the ordained greatest-player-that-ever-lived as their opponent? Screw the Bills. They should have won at least one against that crap-ass Giant’s team (thank you Norwood) and they blew it. Boohoo. I’ve punched people in the face with less strength than Michael Jordan’s push off FOUL against Russell, with the only other difference being that my hand hurt for about a week and I have to see that damned Jordan clip every single NBA playoff year for the rest of my life. It is time to recognize our pain. Thank you for your time.)
I’m sure Jordan didn’t push. Russell just saw something interesting on the ground.
The parallel? None other than Star Wars again. I was 2 years old when Return of the Jedi came out, so I didn’t get to go see it in the theatres. Yes, I got to see the “Special Editions,” but Greedo shot first in those so it was like getting to watch Jessica Alba strip naked on the big screen while getting punched in the gut so hard you want to throw up. It wasn’t right. I had nightmares. Of course, this was before everyone knew that Lucas had been replaced by a Lucas robot run by an Ewok that had to wear flannel for power.
Either way, just like the Jazz double finals, I waited my entire lifetime for a chance to see new Star Wars on the big screen. I did my senior project on the new special effects the film would use, and I hyped it so much to all my friends that the day after the midnight showing, I had to get up in front of the entire Band and give a review (yes, I was in band and played basketball… and was never more than moderately good at either… this essay is about me just getting drilled as a nerd and sports fanatic over and over again, with the benefits of neither… why am I writing this?). What I got was Jar Jar Binks, Natalie Portman with TOO MANY clothes on, and a bad guy that talked but once in the entire film. It was like someone charged me five dollars, made me pull an all-nighter, and wait twenty years to find out Megan Fox is a dude underneath her clothes. And then I had to pretend everything was o.k. in front of my entire world the next day and tell people it was great!
That one hurt more than the Jazz, though, because I was always a little bit more of a nerd than a sports freak. Unfortunately, it was also very hard finding friends. Sure, there were crossovers between nerdom and sportsdom over the years, but do we really want to speak of James Worthy as a Klingon or Shaq pretending to be a super hero? How many people, outside of a select group, really would admit to knowing that James Worthy was a Klingon once, or that they actually saw Steel? There were a few, but they were far in between.
We’d all like to forget this happened!
Fast forward yet another few years, and I finally get to rejoice because nerds are IN. Anyone who has watched The Big Bang Theory lately and compared it to the crapathon that is Two and a Half Men, can testify to the beautiful love our culture finally has for all that is nerdy.
Star Trek is back, and my students say things like “I know it’s Star Trek, but I’m actually excited to see it”. My two-faced life has flipped on end, and now all of the sudden it might be as good to admit that I like Star Trek as it is to admit I like the NBA (and after watching the officiating this past year, I’m starting to think Star Trek is straight up better!). The comparisons don’t end there:
Chloe vs. Cuthbert: The nerdiest girl alive truly achieved supremacy this past season when people finally began to realize that Chloe might be one of the best things on the show, and that Kim Bauer, AKA the Cuthbert, is the most terrible thing that ever happened to the most masculine show on television, 24. TV Guide Magazine columnist Matt Roush spent almost an entire column justifying that Cuthbert was “OK” and not a detriment this season. She sucks so bad we have to justify her existence when she was ok? This is like apologizing for the third Star Wars Prequel just because it didn’t shatter your soul like the first two.
The one you’d like for a date is not the one you’d want on the show. Go nerds!
Marc Blucas’s Playing Career vs. Marc Blucas’s Acting Career: This guy is the prototypical “nerd guy vs. sports guy” example. He was a pretty good player in college, played with Tim Duncan for one year at Wake Forest. He tried out for and failed to make the NBA, played professional basketball in England for a year, and then quit. He decided to become an actor, joined the nerdiest cult-fest of all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (what a great show, huzzah!), and God rewards him by PAYING him to make out with Sarah Michelle Gellar on the show. They have an entire episode devoted to them making out so much that evil lust demons take over. Seriously. Then, if that wasn’t enough, he gets a leading role making out with Katie Holmes in a terrible movie called First Daughter, and then he gets engaged to Ryan Haddon. This guy is my hero.
Charisma Carpenter… enough said: Charisma Carpenter started out as a San Diego Charger’s cheerleader. But what gets her famous? Roles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Charmed, and Veronica Mars. Pretty much the nerdiest shows ever. Then she poses for Playboy (and I know you Google image searched that… it is ok… I forgive you). Is being a nerd not the best thing ever?
Charles Barkley Gets Wolverine Claws: He might be a drunken gambler, but what can redeem him? Yes, it is one of the many NBA to Nerdom Movie Crossovers, complete with threatening Kenny with Wolverine claws.
That’s my spam, Kenny!
Although these items do prove the point that being a nerd might be cooler than being a sports guy, I don’t think it is about that. The last entry, featuring Charles Barkley, brings me to my ultimate dream of joy and joyness.
It is an epic title, but this plan requires it. The other final connection between nerdom and sportsdom is their mutual love for crossovers. From Bo Jackson to Deon Sanders to the recent articles on ESPN wondering how good Lebron James would be at football, sports is obsessed with their greatest heroes and villains entering multiple arenas. Remember when Karl Malone and Dennis Rodman wanted to have an all out WWF style wrestling match? We loved it! Nerds love theirs as well, from Summer Glau moving from Firefly to The 4400 to Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (please take a brief moment to reflect on just how beautiful she is now…sigh), to straight-up Marvel vs. DC crossovers. As a group of nerdysports (sportynerds? Sperds? Norts?), we must finally have the ultimate crossover between our two loves. What sports star could captain the Enterprise or Battlestar Galactica? Who could play a linebacker in the NFL? What evil villain from sports could fight a Jedi? I’ll get us started.
We are the hooded duo. Nothing can stand in our way. All your base are belong to us.
Lou Holz and Yoda: Ok, they shouldn’t crossover, because Holz is an idiot. I just wanted to throw in that they look eerily similar and both are 900 years old.
George Lucas and John Madden: Both are very, very old. Both like really cool things (Lightsabers and Brett Favre). Both did great things in their (relative) youth, but are way past their prime. One made Jar Jar famous, the other made six-legged turkeys famous. Both are loved or hated by everyone. But wouldn’t they do better in each others’ worlds? Imagine John Madden running a Star Wars movie. Do you think there would be any crazy waterfall love scenes in which Natalie Portman is wearing a huge dress even though it is the middle of summer? No. Brett Favre, a Jedi Hood, and a light saber mowing down bad guys “Boom” and “Wap” style. As for George Lucas commentating on a game? We’d get at least TWICE as many awkward I-don’t-know-what-he-just-said-and-I-don’t-know-how-to-get-out-of-this-conversation silent pauses from Al Michaels. Glorious.
Who could do a better commentary for Return of the Jedi?
So I challenge you, norts and sperds. How else can these two universes collide?
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