Hello there faithful readers (nods at three people). Today's blog is about m-e-t-a-l, ergo we will start off hardcore:
Great sweaty nads, is that the glave from Krull?
It is indeed that mythical weapon that slew the Beast, or at least injured him severely.
So you're saying to yourself: What the hell is the glave? Get off now, this ride is for people who are taller than the little red line on the hard-core-o-meter (TM).
Or you're saying to yourself: I have never cried tears of joy before this moment in time--we have found the weapon that will save the galaxy!
If you are person number two, walk with me for a moment.
You may be wondering what this particular blog has to do with m-e-t-a-l. We're getting there, I promise...unless you're Stace or Nick and you're waiting for the short bus to catch up; I'm getting there gentlemen: I'm not slow, just different.
I am discussing metal, or sadly, the dilution of metal music over the past two decades. So let's assume for a moment that you're a metal lover. I'm not talking like playground metal, or nu-metal, or the Linkin Parks and Breaking Benjamins your little sister's douche boyfriend had playing from his Honda Civic. I'm talking you don't shower for days. I'm talking worn out Ride the Lightning tees that weren't pre-washed three hundred times and then sold at Target--your shirt hasn't been washed yet, because James Hetfield spit on it at the last concert before he cut his hair. I'm talking Lemmy kissed your girlfriend and you shook his hand. I'm talking Danzig kicked your ass and you gave him an IOU for your first child. You're the Type-O-Negative, Motorhead freak who can't get a date with anyone under three hundred pounds who doesn't have backne.
You are the metal faithful, and as such, you have waited a very long time for any sort of promising metal music. You have waited through a very, VERY long couple of decades. For my intents and purposes, let's all agree that metal officially ended in August of 1991.
Let me start by saying this: thank the metal gods for Kurt Cobain and flannel. Glamrock needed to go, and its reemergence has caused me great distress. But metal, true metal didn't die with the grunge rockers. No, Metallica gave a clinic in metal album-smithing with the release of the Black album. Even if you're not a metal fan, or even if, like me, you think Metallica sucks hardcore goat tit nowadays, you have to admit: it's a classic. Start to finish, they pound every note home with meticulous care, attention to detail, and amazing production quality. In terms of complete albums, it's the metal equivalent to Revolver.
Yeah, I said it you Beatles snobs. Greatness is not reserved for the long-dead legends of yesteryear, so get over yourselves. At least Michael Jackson doesn't own the rights to all of Metallica's greatest songs (p.s. btw how do you let that slip at the patent office??? Way to go Paul and Ringo--George gets a pass for being dead, R.I.P.)
Getting back on track, let's just say that metal forever stopped being good after '91. Why? Because nothing else has really come out. The Slayer and Pantera fans are hissing, or cussing, or throwing their Natty's at the screen right now, but I stand behind this opinion, even in the face of angry greasies.
What followed in that decade was Metallica losing their hair, putting out an alternative album (hey, I like Load, but it aint metal) and a slew of sub-par bands with loose metal ties. Here are a few of these bands that ruined metal at the turn of the century (speaking of which, shouldn't metal have been on top at the turn of a new millennium? Can you think of anything more metal than the changing of a thousand years and rumors of the end of the world?)
1. Linkin Park: I have never heard a band with more insignificantly generalized lyrics. Many people have approached me and argued that Linkin Park speaks to them. I argue that the lyrics generally speak to everybody because they don't really say anything. Real + Feel = Rhyming. AND YOU CAN COLOR IN THE LINES! G'boy!
I submit to you that there is nothing less cool than pink hair, anime references in your music videos, electronic drums, Mike Shinoda, and lyrics like:
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Okay, so something is crawling in his skin. At this point I'm onboard. Some sort of parasitic ethereal being is crawling beneath this man's delicate dermal layers: very metal. But here is the downfall: many people on the planet have had hurts that didn't heal well? How many people could tell you that heal, feel, and real rhyme? He never tells us what kind of blood sucking apparition is eating his guts: that would be metal. Instead, Linkin Park and all their bedwetting fans can get together and have a good mascara-soaked cryfest about how daddy didn't love them. Guess what? LOTS of people's daddy's don't love them, and some of them actually manage to make productive art out of that pain.
Slipknot.
Sorry...I had to leave blank space for laughter. Here's why:
Hey mom! I found all those stinky people who get our Salvation Army clothes. Way to go Iowa. If I was ever afraid of anything, it was never a clown with a pentagram on its face. I kinda want to squeeze his nose to see if it sounds like a bike horn. And oh, btw, the clown has knocked himself unconscious on his drums more than once...it doesn't get more metal than knocking your OWN ass out.
But really, Slipknot blows. They certainly capture the grease of metal, but not the cred...Alice Cooper is crying somewhere.
Hey Kids! Do you like ice cream and puppies? What about Dodge Caravans?
Ooh, what about Drowning Pool? I think the lead singer died face-down on a tour bus. That's kind of metal, in a cheap ring-tone sort of way. Okay, we'll leave that one alone. There are just too many quips to be made about bodies hitting floors.
Had enough yet? The ride could go on for hours. The point? METAL HAS SUCKED.
Until now. Remember the Glave? One band has had the testicular fortitude to wield such a weapon, and sell it at their merch table.
MASTODON.
This band brings a whole new kind of kick-ass, the kind of kick ass you get from a galaxy far, far away. This is viking type kick-ass, the kind that says foreign shores are mine, and all your women are belong to us.
This is the band that writes an album called Blood Mountain, or a concept album about Moby Dick.
Likin Park rhymes real with feel. Mastodon has a lyric, I kid you not: Lion Slicer.
What's a Lion Slicer? Hell if I know, but I want one...and if I had one, you'd better believe I'd be slicing some lion's loins clean off. The song--Colony of Birchmen--is about overgrown tree-men hunting and eating lions, ogres, and dwarves. What's not metal about that???
They also did the opening to Aqua Teen Hunger Force, called Cut You With a Linoleum Knife . It's not only super-hardcore, but it's the funniest part of the movie.
Comedy is hardcore.
I am a fat, screaming, bejeweled pirate! METAL, METAL, METAL!
Metal has returned my friends, and Mastodon's latest album, Crack the Skye, is incredible. It is a start to finish metal experience. A couple of my friends and I went to the recent show in Lawrence, and were literally blown away. I have never before left a concert with my chest hurting from the thickness of the bass. It was like someone taped a midget to my face and instructed said midget to kick me in the chest for three hours.
Get off you midget.
The best part, however, was the fact that they played, note for note, and super-sonic speeds, the songs from their albums. Their drummer is a living heart-attack. Brent Hinds, our singer/guitarist, is an absolute frothing madman. Harmonies this eerie haven't been around since Alice in Chains.
Metal is back ladies, gentlemen, vikings and ogres. I encourage you to lose the gut, grab an axe, and prepare to shred face. The heroes have returned.
I AM A VIKING LORD OF ROCK! I EAT MY OWN BOOGERS!
Enjoy.
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